7 years ago I tried to end my life. The only reason I hadn't tried that before then was because I couldn't stomach the pain that my death would cause to my family. Before I judge someone like Chester Bennington for taking his life and leaving 6 children behind, I have to remind myself that I felt that desperate once too.
7 years ago, my life was in shambles. My 6 year relationship was ended with a text. I lost my job. I was on the verge of being evicted from my home. I couldn't stop drinking. I felt like I'd lost everything. I was done. I had been done for years. I simply could not be here any longer because I had failed at life. Almost all of these things were a result of my drinking and using.
I spent 2 weeks writing suicide letters. If I knew you, then you had a handwritten letter from me to you absolving you of any guilt you might feel once you learned that I had taken my own life. As IF that would make you feel any better. That was my idea of leaving this world with a clean slate.
Although I had been drinking and using for 5 years, I hadn't used heroin in over 11 years. And that's how people die. After I made sure that my cats would be taken care of (priorities), I went back to my copping spot after so many years. It only took me 20 minutes. I returned to my house, locked myself in the bathroom and cried as I injected a lethal dose of the drug that ruined my life. The shame I felt when I came to and realized that I was still alive is almost as unbearable now as it was so many years ago. I couldn't even do THAT right.
I'm sure a lot of you know what happened after that. I had to learn to live. Sober. Life on life's terms. And here I sit, 7 years later writing about this. The powerlessness that I feel knowing I can't pull everyone out of their own personal hell pains me.
But there is something I can say with confidence: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There's is NO PAIN on this earth that you are completely alone in experiencing. There is always someone else who has walked through it. I mean this from the bottom of my heart: what those of us who have lived through this kind of pain live for, is to take your hand and show you the other side. I would never in a million years say this if I didn't mean it. You don't have to die. And the pain that your loved ones will be left with is, in the very least, tantamount to the pain you are feeling now.
I'm not going to lie to you. For those of us with addiction and depression, living life on life's terms can be work. But if it wasn't worth it, do you really think I'd still be alive to talk to you about it?
You are worth living for. Especially to me. I have so much love for y'all.
Just promise you'll try these things before making a permanent decision. Please.
Suicide prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255.
Alcoholics Anonymous (856) 486-4444
Narcotics Anonymous (800) 974-0062
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