I've never pretended to be happy in my life, and I'm not going to start now.
Right now, I feel lost.
I feel overwhelmed and unsure of myself.
This is the kind of situation where a normal person puts one foot in front of the other and does the next right thing. I, however, am frozen and can't figure out what the next right thing is. I feel like I have too many things to accomplish; things that are too big for me, if that makes any sense. I also feel very alone. Physically, I'm not nearly alone enough for my liking. Somehow, that doesn't stop me from feeling isolated. My saving grace is that I am 100% sure about one thing: a drink will make all of this 10 times worse. So what's my move? I clearly need a meeting. I've moved from one city to another and I have no one to answer to right now. Meaning I can walk out of a meeting as soon as it ends and no one is going to follow me to my car and ask me what my problem is. [Note to readers: Fast Forward, and it is now 5 hours since I started writing this blog.] So here's my deal: I don't do Radio Rehab so that everyone can think I'm a happy hippy who never has any problems. I want to be honest about everything that I feel as I walk this path. The truth is that this shit is hard. It's not easy to be sober, but it's always better than the alternative. I started writing this blog and then realized that I needed to change some stuff and that I needed to do it yesterday. So I took my whining ass to a meeting and did what I've learned to do. I asked for help, which sounds much easier than it is.
Let me show you what happens when I make even the slightest gesture to live in the solution: I went to a meeting here in San Francisco without realizing that it was a meditation meeting.
Here's a bonus honesty nugget: I am the absolute fucking worst in the world at meditation. I can't take more than 10 minutes of it at a time. Luckily, the meditation part of the meeting only lasted 5 minutes. I'm not going to try to act like it wasn't painful. They were like 5 Stairmaster minutes (i.e. feels like 30). To add to my pity party, my stomach was making awful sounds like it was trying to communicate with the Dark Side, which only happens in meditation meetings. When it came time to share, the guy next to me (who looked really familiar and whose dog I was blaming my stomach noises on) said "Dayna wants to share." Everyone looked at me and I was kind of forced to speak. I was honest about how I've been feeling and within 2 minutes I was back in the solution, fully knowing the answer to my current problems. (Go to more meetings and force myself to gather a new tribe in this new city.) After I spoke, I asked the guy who called me out how he knew my name. He smiled and showed me his jacket which said "6th Street Syringe Access" on the back. He was Pauly from the needle exchange! And he remembered me! Crazy, right? And wait--the guy who runs the needle exchange is SOBER? Yep. He has been for 20 years. While I was talking to him, the meeting secretary came up and asked me to speak in 2 weeks. I'd rather shred my butt with a cheese grater, to be perfectly honest. But I said yes. Because it's exactly what I need to do. What better way to let everyone get to know me than to chair a meeting? This is me being rigorously honest and sharing what sobriety looks like for me. This is me carrying the message that I was given. For more on carrying the message, check out this Radio Rehab show with my Guest Co-Host Justin P. I hope this helps someone. Love, Dayna
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